ARE YOU A GOOD LISTENER?

  Are you able to listen without the need to fix?

　Is it hard to give undivided attention and not be checking your phone, or reading emails, or thinking about a deadline?

How about the ability to shift your posture towards the speaker to show respect?

If you want a better bottom line, healthier relationships, more satisfaction with life, learn to listen. Good listening is a skill requiring ongoing development.

Everyone wants to be heard. Someone genuinely listening is showing they value and respect the one talking. When we are heard, we are more engaged and energized to accomplish the task at hand. Feeling appreciated makes for a happier human being. A happier human being is more productive and more creative.

When we are not heard, or feel brushed off, or are competing with a TV, or any other device or project, anger and frustration tag team to make their voice known. They may try to go undercover, but they are there. The first thing the menacing duo accomplish is to lower our level which brings out the worst in us and when that happens everyone pays. Feeling drained and undervalued does not do much for the bottom line.

Listening demands for us to shift gears, to slow down, to stop, and hit the reset button. We have to put down the have-to-get-it-done attention grabber we’re in the middle of and pay attention. Our brilliant mind screams in our ear, “YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO. MULTITASK. LISTEN AND CARRY ON.” Don’t do it. That form of listening is not listening, it’s disrespectful.

When our personal agendas and judgments are put outside the room compassion shows up. When compassion enters the room a safe space is created where reenergizing can occur. With emotions tended to a sense of calm returns.

Caring is felt. Giving someone our attention is an energy booster. The one we’re listening to doesn’t want our brilliant wisdom, or to be fixed, only to be heard. In a safe space pent up emotion is able to pass through instead of getting stuck. Stuck emotions build up, and build up, until we feel like we’re going to explode.

A good listener doesn’t retaliate, or get emotionally charged by the speaker. When the body is heard peace returns. Feeling more at peace we are better able to have a conversation, to discuss differences, and come to a solution.

Remember, as a listener, we don’t have to have the right words, only a caring presence, and the ability to sit in uncomfortable silence. Uncomfortable silence is another thing we need to listen to. It is actually the place where the speaker reaches deep inside to access their own truth, their own understanding, their own wisdom. It seems crazy at times, like why didn’t they know the answer all along, but as the story goes pent up frustration clogs the pathway to inner wisdom.

Allowing someone to express themselves while listening compassionately serves not only the person, but every other relationship in their life. When we are calm, we are more peaceful, we are kinder. At the end of the conversation where we compassionately listen, the speaker feels good, and so do we. We know we did something good and that feels great.

Here are some easy steps to start being a good listener.

　•Stop – whatever you’re doing.

　•Breathe – with a deep breath you will clear your mind.

　•Connect – offer kind eyes, and an easy posture, it shows caring and respect.

Things to remember:

• Less is more. The less talking you do the better it is for the other person. Zip it is my mantra to myself.

　•Don’t get defensive. This isn’t the right time. There will be a time to make your point, but the time isn’t now. The speaker won’t hear you.

    •Don’t challenge. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. Go back to less is more.

    •Be willing to sit in uncomfortable silence while the speaker gathers their thoughts. This gives them time to access their own wisdom.

   •Acknowledge the feelings of the speaker. This shows you’ve heard them.

  •Repeat back what you hear, not what you think.

Being trusted with someone’s emotions is an honor. Before the conversation gets going check in with yourself, am I in a good place to give this person my full attention? If not it’s better to let them know than trying to fake it. Acknowledge the importance of the conversation and give them a time when you can listen.

We know when someone is not listening. Body language is a dead giveaway. Be honest. Tell them the truth. For example, “I really want to give you my full attention, because I do want to hear you, but right now I can’t give you the attention you deserve. How about in an hour? Will that work?”

People feel our words, and feel the tone of our silence. Be present.

Reflect on this quote from, “Plain Living: A Quaker Path to Simplicity.” By Catherine Whitmire.

“We are not called to conform to the ways of the world, but to the motions of love that rise in our hearts. It takes courage to align our personal lives, our work, and the way we spend our days with what we hear when we listen within.” The author also says, “The integrity we are seeking lies within the sanctum of our individual and corporate souls. It is there we must struggle with moral complexity and the consequences of the values we adopt. Plain living is about trusting the place the words come from and aligning our lives and our integrity accordingly.”

Side note:

The menacing duo, anger and frustration, aren’t really that menacing. They aren’t bad guys. They happen to be parts of us trying to get our attention. They want to be heard. Anger can flare in a second when we don’t feel heard. We end up saying things we don’t mean. Sarcasm rules the roost. Rolling of the eyes, turning our body away from the person, the list goes on are ways anger and frustration beg for us to speak up and find someone to listen.

– Sandy Powers, Life Coach Mindful Healing Junction

THE MASK WE WEAR

We all wear a mask. A mask in this sense is what we want to believe about ourselves and what we want others to believe about us. But to live authentically we intuitively know shedding the mask must happen.

John Sanford in his book The Kingdom Within shares, “Shedding the mask means confronting something in ourselves that is unpleasant and that we do not like.”

Being real, being genuine, living authentically is all about bringing into our awareness what has been hidden in the unconscious.

We hide our so called bad parts, the negative shadowy side of our self, our jealousy, our envy, our hatred, our resentment, our murderous thoughts, our fundamentalism. We hide all the unpleasant parts behind the mask.

It’s true they aren’t our most redeeming qualities. They aren’t pretty parts, fun parts, loving parts. They are parts we try to get rid of, deny we have, and usually are the first to say, “I’m not like that.”

The truth is we are that. We are fundamentalists at some point. When we know we’re right and the other person is wrong and we’ve closed the lid on listening to another’s viewpoint that’s when we’ve put on our fundamentalist hat.

One thing I love about Buddhism is to acknowledge whatever emotion arises into our consciousness, to welcome those feelings, to acknowledge they exist. The trick is pausing long enough to identify how we’re feeling.

Who wants to make friends with our negative feelings? It goes against the grain. Denying we have them is more the norm. And again, most of the time we’re quick to spot those parts in others, but can’t see them in our actions, inactions, and reactions.

A person I know and love is 9/10 negative, negative, negative. When I leave her presence I’m drained the only place I want to be is in my safe serene home. The other day after I got home I started complaining to my husband about this person. He agreed and for about 10 minutes we joined forces complaining. Then all of a sudden it me.

I’m her.

I’m complaining about her being negative and I was doing exactly the same thing. So self-righteous I can be. I started to laugh, finally getting it, finally realizing how I am what I hate at times. It taught me a lot.

Self-awareness gives us a moment to catch our thoughts, and quickly reflect on how we want to react to things.

When a negative thought or feeling comes out of hiding we aren’t here to judge it. We are here to make friends with it. To be compassionate with our self and 9/10 a healing begins. We begin to explore and understand the why behind the reaction and take care of our self.

You see negative thoughts/actions aren’t bad guys they are valuable and when listened to and not denied will make us a more humble, loving, compassionate human being.

Thank you for all the inner work you do. The work you do to wake up and catch yourself. The world is a better place for it.

– Sandy Powers, Life Coach

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　Life is good!

     When we set an intention it directs our focus and our energy to manifest what we desire. A great resource we often forget we have is the ‘Pause Door’. By taking a pause before entering into what we think, or has been in the past, a tough situation there is an opportunity to change the experience.

     Open the Pause Door, breathe deep, and connect to your deepest self. When we are connected to the place inside of us that is unshakable we will walk into any situation with more peace and clarity.

The Pause Door is always there. When we walk through it we are brought back into the moment. Our mind isn’t worried about the future or the past. We are present. In the present moment we remember our intention and realize we can try something new, or respond in a different way.

Why not give ourselves a second to get back into the here and now, and not react on auto pilot? In the pause, even if it’s only a few seconds, we can make a choice to do something different, to shift our attitude, to take a risk and try something new, to say no or yes, to do the opposite of what we normally do.

You create the recipe to your life. No one else has the power to add ingredients or take ingredients away. Our responses, actions, thoughts, inactions, make up the ingredients in our recipe. When we add or take an ingredient out of the recipe we change the end product. We are the end product.

Be conscious. Be aware. Know what ingredients you put into your recipe. Then be patient. It’s hard to try a new recipe when you’ve used the same one for years. Truth is, habits are hard to break. We may not get what we want instantaneously, and in an “I-want-it-now society” that is tough, but if we keep focused on our intention we can and will raise the quality of our well-being.

Don’t let the past or worries about the future stop you from enjoying the sunset, a beautiful flower, a new puppy, or the smell of fresh baked cookies. Live life fully. It’s within your power.

• author Sandy Powers, Life Coach   Mindful Healing Junction

     There are many things we will never understand. The ‘whys’ can be debated all day long.

     It is easy to say screw it, to feel hopeless, to rage, to bash, to criticize, to judge, and to hate. I am guilty of these very things. But now more than ever I know I can’t let the darkness of others take away my ability to love.

When my thoughts, words, and/or actions, get dark I’m quicker to make a shift than I was a decade ago.

     One way that works for me is to do something, or say something nice, for someone else.

     I know the power of a gentle touch, kind eyes, and a loving smile. They have worked on me many times.

     When I shine the light of love from my heart without judgment, just love, it makes me feel more alive, hopeful, and calm.

     When I’m calm I’m kinder. When I’m peaceful my toleration level towards others increases.

     When I live love with my thoughts, words, and/or actions, (and not just talk about it) I add light into our dark world.

     It’s true, many times there is no fixing, no curing, no way to change a situation, but there is always love.

     Today I will shine my light brightly. I will love and forgive myself. I will be a compassionate presence for those who cross my path.
    
      This is something I can do.

Your Take on What Happened ISN’T the Whole Truth

Every experience serves to wake us up. Wake up means to find another perspective to the experience. Pain has the power to transform life for the better or worse. It’s up to us. We are the healer. Gather the broken pieces and slowly put the pieces back together again. Every part of us is worthy of attention. Learn to love even the parts you wish to hide. They all serve if we are willing to look at them as friends and not enemies. It’s not a quick rebuild, but when the intention is set, there is no stopping the restoration.

When our personal foundation blows up we can and will rebuild. We can rebuild as a victim or work our way toward a life of peace and joy. We have the resources within to pick up the pieces and put them back together again.

Inner work takes commitment. The answers we find are only as good and deep as the inner work we’ve done. Everyone has areas to work on. No one is perfect. You may think someone else has it all together, you’re wrong. No one is immune to change, no one has healed all of their wounds. The more you heal, the clearer the answers become, the more confident you become.

No one has the power to fix your life but you. Find people you admire, read about them, talk to them, and study how they made it through adversity. Understand everyone has had demons to battle. No one is perfect. We all fall down and skin our knees. When we realize how individuals we admire have experienced pain and loss, and have picked themselves back up, and not only survived, but thrived, it energizes us to do the inner work needed for transformation.

Listen to your heart. This is the message my kids have heard forever. Listen with respect, but go inward for the answers you seek.

People can only give advice based on their education and training, experience, and understanding. Everyone perceives the world through their experience. Our perception is our reality. There are many schools of thought, books, counselors, spiritual leaders, and other ways to see things, but you and you alone must make your way, and do the work to heal your life.

When we expand our reality, we have opened a new door. When that happens we recognize there is another perspective to the pain we’ve endured. We discover another truth to the situation.

What stops us from doing the work and making the commitment to access the answers and find another perspective?

– FEAR

– The belief we aren’t good enough.

– Our ego too proud and cocky to admit there’s work to be done.

– Getting stuck in limited thinking.

– Guilt

– Embarrassment

– No boundaries.

– Lack of self-respect.

– Judging our self.

– Looking outside without ever doing the inside work.

– ‘What will others think’ mentality.

– Negative self-talk.

– Old tapes of past mistakes replaying constantly.

– Getting comfortable being a victim.

– Convincing ourselves this work isn’t important.

– Giving our self-worth away to others.

– No support.

– Limited definition of love.

– Thinking someone else has the power to fix you.

What helps us access the answers?

– LOVE redefining the definition of love.

– Self-healing

– Quit judging our self.

– Building a network of support

– Willingness to seek help

– Healthy boundaries.

– Able to withstand rejection.

– To view asking for help as courageous vs a weakness.

– Turning past wounds into healing vehicles for others.

– To get real and quit believing you know it all.

– Willing to find another perspective to our stories.

– To believe what we think isn’t the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Take the time and make the commitment to do the work. You are worth it. It serves everyone.

Author Sandy Powers, Life Coach since 1998

Why do we bury parts of our self?

What would happen if we sat in the discomfort of our own beingness?

What if our out of control internal and/or external behavior was only broken pieces inside of us begging to be heard?

How might our life look different if we started to look at our perceived negatives through the eyes of love?

What if we’re not as bad as we tell our self?

Evolving, wholeness, realized, enlightenment… what does that really mean?

What if our job is to bring back home the pieces of our self we’ve broken off due to the intensity of pain, to reunite all of us back together again, and to realize why we did it? Then to understand the process of coming back home, knowing when we do our happiness will soar and we will be able to, with or without words, give the gift of healing to others.

Envision fragments of self we’ve cut off due to pain. Each piece floating all alone, trying to make it through life, without the rest of us. Only returning when a like pain hits again, only to be thrown back out into the ethers when the intensity dies down.

What if our job was to sort through every single thing we’ve been taught via our culture, society, and upbringing, and make a list of all the good and all the bad parts about our self?

Then what if we allowed a researcher full access to our list? What if our scientific researcher used certain lenses for the research project? What if those lenses were pure love?

What if our researcher systematically took each item on the list out, analyzed it, held it, looked at it, spent time with it, listened, and discovered through the process the way to integrate the broken off piece back into wholeness?

What if the researcher then gave to us the process of bringing every piece of our self back home? What if after receiving the information we realized what we were taught wasn’t the whole truth, it was only based on the understanding of the teacher at the time? What if some of our behavior we put in the bad column really wasn’t bad?

What if the process gave us the understanding that when we hurt others and or self it wasn’t because we were bad, but because we were hurt? What if we also understood the coping skills used was not the most up-to-date coping skills available? What if there really was a method to our madness and a way out? How might our life look different?

Author Sandy Powers, Life Coach since 1998